Porsche People

 A Tongue-in-Cheek Look at Our Fellow Porsche Pushers

 by Hans Deutschmann, Club Analyst, Kansas City Region

Reprinted From Der Sportwagen

Contrary to the stereotype of Porsche owners as unemployed rich kids, PCA people are a diverse lot. However, such diversity doesn't mean that Porsche owners can't be pigeonholed based on certain pertinent measures. It's fun to do this, since it allows me to simplify my world.

THE WORRIER: Most of us were Worriers to some degree when we got our first P-car. Worriers ask everyone about which weight and brand of oil they should use. They regularly replace the air in their tires because it might be stale. They short-shift at 2500 RPM and won't corner hard because that might place undue strain on the delicate chassis. Worriers are typically cured upon discovering that such uninformed, retentive behavior does more harm than good.

TECHNOS: Every PCAer knows a Techno who can quote entire chapters of  "Porsche: Excellence Was Expected." Technos typically make useful Club pets because they can answer most Porsche-related questions right off the top of their head. If you want to have some devilish fun, ask a Techno a question you know they can't answer -- they'll be up for three days straight trying to figure it out. 

STATUS CONSCIOUS: Status-Conscious owners wear too much gold, park in handicapped zones, have bad traffic manners, and sneer at all times. They rarely attend more than one or two club events. If you meet one in the parking lot, your conversation might go like this: You: "Hey, nice 993, how do you like it?" SC: "Actually it's not a '93. It's a '97 Porsh Carrera. I like it okaaay, but you have to shift all the time and it rides like a skateboard. I'm trading it for a new Boxer, I know a guy at the dealer." SC types know little about Porsches except what they cost. The car gods created them so the rest of us could get low-mileage used Carreras. 

TRAILER QUEENS: These owners only drive their Porsches on and off the trailer at a concours. Even then, they'll push their car to the show area with little plastic booties over the tires. If a TQ perceives your car as competition, they'll scrutinize your shiny Porsche while wearing a facial expression normally reserved for examining a turd. Certain TQs own truly significant Porsches like a 904 or 959 or 911ST, which they may actually drive...but only on a racetrack.

WILD-ASS GEARHEADS: WAGs are fanatic hot-rodders who focus on Porsches instead of Hemi 'Cudas. Sitting squarely atop the WAG pyramid is an air-cooled 911 Twin Turbo that's so highly modified it even scares its owner. As a matter of fact, this is the ultimate goal. WAG cars usually don't show up for club events because their owners are too busy installing extra turbos, 962 water-cooled heads, 917 brakes, and Boeing-size wings. WAGs are great fun....long as you don't have to ride with them.

WATERBOYS: These owners don't give a hang that "real Porsches aren't water-cooled". WBs are well tolerated because their cars are so fast and viceless on the track. Fair warning: If you are an air-cooled owner and persist in tormenting a WB, you're likely to be challenged to a hot lap or three.

THE PURIST: This is what I aspire to be when I grow up. A Purist owns any model of Porsche. The car is clean and well maintained, often modified with sticky tires, wide wheels, and a raspy exhaust. A Purist has owned this car for a while and drives it regularly. The car will never win a concours because it exhibits a well-worn patina like the jackknife your grandfather carried for 40 years. Finally--and most important--unless you are also of this unique persuasion, a Purist is always having more fun with their Porsche than you are with yours.

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